Crybaby
by just a whimsy
Summary: A not so usual (hopefully)look into Faye's mind after she takes those unforgettable shots at Spike's back.


*disclaimer*:guess what i don't own?

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The footsteps slowly faded as she held up a gun foolishly in the air. Lost chance. Lost hope. She herself was a lost cause, according to those she'd taken a home with. That it was true she acknowledged in her heart of hearts, past her jaded mind and broken life.

It was him that needed to take a reality check. Him who was always going off not caring how the waves of his actions rebounded against others, pounding endlessly. She secretly doubted him capable of the slightest affection towards others; it had all been sucked in by that _woman_. Julia. Goddess over men, a woman that was a priceless piece of artwork; a light to a world of moths.

She let her arm drop, as she stared miserably at the floor. What a funny thing life could be, huh? Her eyes were blurring, watering. All over one man. She was supposed to be a cold hearted bitch, a vixen wrapped in stereotypes so no one would look any deeper than the cool, sexy cover. She was the one who had been fooling herself. She didn't care about anyone. Yeah. A flaming match might as well extinguish when it hit gasoline.

Spike. Such a stupid name. Hell, it sounded like a dog's name. Yet the man it was attached to fit it perfectly. A fuzzy haired bum who lived life to the fullest, hardly ever looking forward and never looking back. Yet he was...Spike. Someone who somehow got through all of her defenses, all without ever flattering her or acting nice. Somehow, he was _safe_ in a galaxy full of people who would stab you in the back. Spike was Spike. He never pretended to be something he wasn't.

She was getting a funny feeling in her nose as liquid built up in her eyes, and a whimper escaped a throat tightened with suppressed cries. Her head fell, and suddenly she was stripped of all pose and attitude, all the things that kept her safe from what was happening right now. Jet, Ed, Ein, Spike... all of them had become to her what others might call family. It was crazy and nothing ever worked right, but it was comfortable. They accepted her for what she was, bitching and moaning all.

And then he left. To die. She had felt a tie to him, an understanding that she had never thought to feel with anyone. He was so like her, but she'd never let it show. She was so afraid. Life was something mechanical, automatic, that she did only because she had to. It was almost devoid of anything that was worthwhile. It wasn't like she had someone to love. Or love her. She was out of place. 

Sobs suddenly wracked her frame as she leaned against a wall, unable to support herself any longer. The gun made a ridiculously loud sound as it clattered to the floor.

Sittin' alone 

With hair pulled down around your face 

Staring at nothing

No one ever gives you the time of day

Sad, slow, peaceful

Does anything ever go your way?

Why had this all happened to her? Why did that spacecraft explode when it had? Why had they put her into cryo? Why had they wakened her at the exact moment? Why had she met Whitney? Why had she met Spike? Tears suddenly spilled out of her eyes, making a hot trail down her face. Everything, all that she had lost, from old earth to her sense of hope, suddenly came to the fore. It was all because of Spike, somehow. She just wanted it to end.

Lassitude

Oh, that sweet feelin' washing down

Regretful thoughts

Thinking of a world where you'd much rather be

Melancholy eyes

Is that a tear marking your face?

Alone in a way

Does anyone really know you?

She slowly sank to the ground, tears pouring down her face in an endless stream, as her sobs took voice. She could hardly breathe, as her fists curled up and she curled up, against the world. Why did he have to go? Why couldn't he let it be? Did she mean so little to him? Was she worthless? She seemed so weak, she couldn't ever be herself, except at this moment, when it didn't even matter any more.

Crybaby

Your tears pour out, no mistake

You're a, crybaby

Self-titled, bitter thoughts, shamefaced

Crybaby

Will any of it go away?

She loved him. That was it, in one little, stupid sentence. She loved him and it was too late. It had always been too late. It had been too late when he'd first laid eyes on Julia. But she couldn't help it. She couldn't choose who her heart would follow. She was always dashing it on rocks. She had done it with Whitney. Now Spike. She coughed, a harsh sound soon followed with another sob. It was all so bitter, so pathetic a thing. Her inner demons railed at her, telling her she had been worthless ever since she'd been woken.

Wistful years

It's all a waste, like you care

Many tears

Do they always dry like that, on your face?

So afraid

You never let anyone close to you

Are you alone?

Never giving a chance to anyone

Hidden away

Is everyone your enemy? 

And she was, too. She was a waste of air, a bitch. No wonder no one liked her. She was slutty and stupid. Everyone hated her. Spike had probably been laughing at her, on the inside. She had only ever made things worse, for everyone. It would have been better if she had been gone. If she had never come onto the Bebop. If she had never existed. A hand uncurled as she groped for her gun, gulping down her sobs with a renewed purpose.

If only you would

Give it a chance, give them a chance

Don't throw it away

Let your guard down, let someone in

It doesn't have to be this way

You're not alone, don't be dramatic

Your face is wet enough

Leave it a little, go outside, breathe the air 

Let go of your cares

Half crawling on the floor she found it, a reassuring piece of metal. She crouched before it, her knees thudding onto the hard ground. She stared down at it wretchedly, her hands convulsing around it. Letting one hand drop to the floor, she lifted the gun slowly, her purpose a glowing goal before her. Release.

"Faye? Faye! What the hell are you doing?" Jet suddenly charged up the corridor, stopping before her to rip away the gun she had pressed to her temple. She sobbed all the harder, sagging against him as he awkwardly hugged her to him.

"H-he left....I-it was m-my fau-fault...I nev-h-her told h-him...I l-loved h-him...I-I'm worthless ahn-and b-bitchy-" She cut off, launching into another heart-wrenching cry as Jet shook her gently.

"No. That's not true."

Crybaby

Self imposed, thoughts so skewed

You're a, crybaby

Exiled by your wishing, so alone

Crybaby

You think you're ahead, but somehow fell behind

A beautiful, crybaby

You consider yourself unworthy, you've got no hold

"Spike went out of his own accord. And you're not worthless. Bitchy, yeah, but not worthless." Jet said, and she sagged against him, stilling her cries on his shoulder so readily presented. Her sobs slowly slowed down as he rocked her, releasing her only when she stiffened. She sat across from him, her head lowered, hair spilling around her face.

"Why did he l-leave? Are we nothing to him?" She whispered, almost to herself.

"Some things have to be done." Jet responded.

"Why did you stop me?" She hiccupped, and dragged a hand across flaming eyes.

"I've already let one of my crew go. I won't let another just whimsically waste her life." He said firmly.

"Jet the father." She said half-heartedly, an echo of her normal sarcasm. He snorted, but stood up, picking up the gun also.

"Just don't try this again." He walked off, leaving her alone to deal with her raging emotions. She sat on the floor, heedless of anything, just staring at her hands.

Don't tell yourself such lies

Don't be afraid, open your eyes

Give into life, it's okay to live

Crybaby

With a tired sigh, she stood back up, facing the way Spike had left her life, too tired to cry and too tired to care anymore. That was what she would always lead herself to believe, anyways. She stood firmly, lifting her chin with a hard stare.

"So long, cowboy. See you when it's over." She said clearly, in a crisp voice, the trembling hardly even noticeable.

She stared for a second more after him, then turned and walked away.

**__**

Live your life, cowgirl

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AN: I know ya'll have had your fill of these types of fics, so i'll personally be surprised if i get any reviews, but i just wanted to say that i am not a Jet/Faye fan. However, i don't really believe that Faye had much of a chance with Spike either*hypocrite*(okay, so i'm a staunch s/f reader...leave me alone!). Hope you enjoyed it!

Treekat 


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